PPC: Linde
by meekerbeeker
Summary: Assassins Sarah and Alana of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum are assigned their first Mary Sue as partners. They must track and kill Linde, the illegitimate, irritatingly perfect daughter of Elrond. Rated for language.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found on my profile page.

Dragging several duffle bags behind her, Agent Sarah (boring name extraordinaire) thrust open the door to her new department… room… response center…thing… triumphantly, looking far more rested then nearly anybody in the entire PPC Headquarters. Vacation did that, although Upstairs preferred to call it 'recuperation' in her case.

It was all the same to her. After all, it was entirely their fault that they had had one less agent working for the past few weeks. She was hardly a veteran, having only been out of training for several months, but naturally, they would place her in the one department she couldn't take the pressure of; Bad Slash.

This was not because she harboured a strong dislike of slash in general, but rather because of her loathing for any slash involving Frodo and Sam. She regarded their relationship as a sacred friendship that nobody had a right to touch or mess with. Not to mention that her fangirl lust object happened to be Frodo, although seeing as she liked him for his personality traits, he wasn't so much a lust object as Legolas was for most fangirls.

After a particularly awful Frodo/Sam slash which was very near r-rated, she suffered from a mental breakdown, and had taken a wonderful holiday in the Caribbean; the POTC continuum to be exact. She was looking forward to gloating about it. She had also taken the opportunity to practise her general weaponry skills. The psych had determined that, due to her impulses concerning injury when angry, she would be far more useful in the long run working in the Mary-Sue department.

"I'm here!" she announced cheerily to the room and its single occupant. She stepped in, dumping everything casually on the floor. She grinned widely. The one room (two if the tiny bathroom was counted) response center looked very cozy as well as neat. Directly in front of the doorway was a bearskin rug, and if one looked to the left and to the right there were beds on either side. The one on the right was clearly taken, and so she turned to the left and sat down with a bounce. Like all PPC beds, it was quite solid and rather lumpy, but it worked for her. She preferred sleeping on harder surfaces anyways. Next to her bed was a couch, and on the wall directly above it hung an impressive number of scalps on a belt, which she assumed had formerly belonged to Mary-Sues. Not a wall decoration _she _would choose, but her partner had been here first.

The other person glanced upwards from the book she was reading, startled. "I assume you're Agent Sarah?" she asked stiffly, rising to her feet. Sarah nodded, saluting in response.

"At your service. You must be Alana."

"The very same," answered the other agent in a short, clipped tone.

Alana was far more experienced then Sarah, having worked for the PPC for a good several years. She wanted the obnoxious newbie (well, newbie in her mind) to let her alone. But alas, such wishes could not be granted. Sarah was not exactly bubbly, but she was still delusional from her break, and had no intention of her partner remaining a stranger. And if Alana preferred solitude, tough.

"I like pineapples," she began, crossing the room to sit on the desk next to Alana's chair. "Although I like pomegranates better actually. As far as fruit goes, mango is no question the best, but guava makes the best juice. Er- nectar," she said. "Corn's good too, but the cafeteria here has that canned corn crap, except more soggy and tasteless," she added primly.

"Grapes are good, 'specially when they've been-" she paused dramatically in thought, "what's that word again? Oh yeah, _fermented_," she said, looking proud of herself for remembering. "'Cause that's wine, and wine's good. Well, red wine is. Not a big fan of white wine myself. Rum's still the best of course, I had a lot of it on my last vacation, but Prancing Pony beer is always good," she rambled.

"I like vodka," said Alana unexpectedly. Sarah was slightly taken aback, but her mouth kept moving.

"It's kinda strong, I don't like it that much." She jumped off the desk and began wandering around the room, ignoring her duffle bags, which were still in a heap in the doorway. "You like Evanescence then?" she asked, spotting it on a stack of CD's. Alana nodded.

"The lead singer has a gorgeous voice," she said in affirmation.

"Amy Lee? I sang _My Immortal _for a voice competition last year," Sarah remarked offhandedly, examining the bed which was to be hers critically. "Evanescence rules."

"Yeah," said Alana, seemingly warming up to her new partner. Sarah had managed to pass her first test in the 'people that Alana finds halfway decent' exam. Alana actually preferred people who talked a lot, seeing as she never really had very much to say, as long as they were interesting. So far, she found her partner, hippie clothes and all, interesting. "Do you-" she began, but was interrupted by the sound every exhausted PPC agent dreads.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Scowling, she rose to her feet, setting the book (_Julius Caesar) _down with a thump. Sarah looked startled. "I haven't even started to unpack my stuff yet!" Alana looked grimly down at the pile of bags. She was a neat-freak; it was almost painful to see the bags aimlessly thrown about.

"You better hurry up," was her only comment, strolling to the console. "Another Sue falling into Middle Earth," she reported. "Illegitimate daughter of Elrond, can heal instantly, take on any warrior, has some prophesy made about her, weird ring shaped birthmark… called 'The Chosen One'… ugh, another Legomance too. Looks like the only thing she's got going for her is that the writing's legible."

Sarah, who had changed into her uniform and was now frantically adding random things to her 'mission pack', made a face.

"She sounds pretty cliché to me. Can this one be mine? It'll be my first one outside of training after all," she added. "I worked briefly in the Intelligence Department, and mostly in Bad Slash." Alana nodded. "Provided she doesn't mess with Faramir. Or Gimli for that matter."

"Fair 'nough."

Sarah slung her now-fully-packed bag over her shoulder.

"Hey, this your bag?" she asked, pointing to a pack sitting neatly in a corner.

"Yeah. Grab it will you?" Sarah obliged, and then almost staggered under its weight. She stared at Alana's bony form, wondering how on earth her clearly non-muscular partner carried it, as well as what on earth was in it.

"Any disguise preference?" called Alana.

"Can we be hobbits?" asked Sarah hopefully. She absolutely loved hobbits, not to mention that if one shrunk her down, she more or less looked like a hobbit anyway, with her extraordinarily curly hair (not to mention her unusually hairy feet… and legs come to think of it, thanks to her Spanish genetics). Alana shook her head.

"'Sue's landing in Rivendell… never goes to the Shire as far as I can see. Except, she starts out at her house. Er, hotel room. We can skip that though, it's boring, and it doesn't make sense."

"How typical," muttered Sarah sulkily. "Why can't they ever land in Shelob's cave or something?" She hooked her dagger belt around her waist. She could hit a target, but she had little to no talent in archery, and so her preferred weapon(s) were throwing daggers, although she liked broadswords as well.

"How about goblins?" asked Alana, ignoring Sarah's last comment.

"Sounds fine." Alana pressed the correct buttons, opening the portal and motioning for Sarah to pass through. Sarah thrust Alana's pack at her, and than jumped through for the sake of looking dramatic. Alana, after shouldering her axe (which was leaning on her bedpost) followed.

* * *

They landed in a surprisingly non-descript forest. Well, surprising, considering the fact that it was supposedly near Rivendell.

"It says there just happened to be a forest handy while she was bored at band practise," said Sarah grimly, reading the words.

"How convenient," commented Alana dryly, pulling out her notebook.

"There she is," pointed out Sarah through the trees. Carefully keeping out of sight, they watched Legolas sneak up behind Sue, and naturally, she had a 'spider sense', being a Sue, and so she spun around.

_**"Dina! Manke naa lle autien?"  
**_

The agents cringed as the elvish language was mangled, and Alana wrote something down in her notebook. Sarah reached into her bag, taking out her character analysis device. She pointed it at the Mary-Sue, and winced when its reading came up.

_MelodyErrorLinde7893. Elf Female. Non-Canon. Mary-Sue. _

"Even the device can't decide what her name is. Is this good for it?" she asked curiously. Alana shook her head, annoyed at Mary-Sue's attitude.

"You know, if some guy was pointing an arrow in my face, I wouldn't be all relaxed," she commented. She shuddered as Melody proclaimed that Legolas's last name was 'Greenleaf', and he agreed. Sarah was obviously thinking along the same vein.

"Don't these authors realise that 'Legolas' translated into English means _Greenleaf_?"

"Nope. This is boring."

"Greenleaf Greenleaf…" Sarah mused. "Oh, and now she faints. Poor baby."

Alana bitterly took out her Canon Analysis Device, pointing it at Legolas. It whined shrilly, but thankfully the Sue had already fainted, and Legolas couldn't hear it any more then he could see the agents. Canon characters wouldn't notice them unless the Sue pointed them out, or they brought attention to themselves on purpose.

_Legolas. Male Elf. Canon. Out of Character 42.987_

"It'll be worse later on," said Sarah, reading ahead. "Looks like she'll be out for a while… what do you want to do?" she asked, as they followed Legolas towards Rivendell. Alana shrugged.

"Draw I suppose."

"You draw? Awesome. I never really had talent in art, although I was okay at photography," remarked Sarah. "Painting was the worst though."

Alana nodded cautiously. "We'll be needing food too. I don't have anything to cook with in our response center yet, but I refuse to eat that 'food' served in the HQ Cafeteria." Sarah nodded in agreement. Twinkies and granola bars were the prime fare for agents while in the field, and the PPC Cafeteria was very much like a typical public school cafeteria. She usually ate it anyways.

"I have containers," continued Alana. "And tin foil." Sarah rolled her eyes.

"Considering how much that pack weighs, why am I not surprised?"

Upon reaching Rivendell, it was decided that Sarah would venture to the kitchens, while Alana sketched outside of Mary-Sue's room until she awoke. It was a rather odd sight, had any of the residents of Rivendell been able to see her. A goblin sketching a pillar with a thoughtful look on its face is certainly not a usual occurrence.

Alana was simply happy to be back in Imladris. Despite the Sues, she never tired of it. Closing her eyes, she let a soft breeze float past her, the leaves of the nearby trees gently swaying in time. This was certainly a place that she would consider retiring to, as an elf naturally. If only it could stay like this forever…

**_"Um..come in."_**

Cursing the Sue, she quickly scanned over what she had missed. Nothing much it seemed, just a typical blab about how much Mary-Sue hated dresses. Very few Mary-Sues seemed to like dresses, and seldom did they have a logical explanation for their strange hatred. And god, she had said that there were _Celtic _carvings on her headboard. Honestly. She peeked through the open window; Arwen had walked in. Still sulking about her interrupted moment of peace, she followed them from a safe distance behind, grimacing as the two began talking.

"**_So, what did you mean earlier by me taking a mighty fall?" _**

"Oh, well, when Legolas brought you her-"

"Legolas?"

"Yes, he said he found you alone in the woods across the river, and you fainted at the very sight of him."

"WHAT!"

"It isn't true?"

"Well, maybe I did faint, but definitely not at the sight of him!" Melody replied, slightly annoyed with Legolas thinking he could sweep her off her feet. PLEASE!

"I see..." Arwen said with a smirk on her face.

"What's that look for?" Melody said

"What look?" Arwen said with a laugh

"That one" Melody said pointing at Arwen's face

"I did not make any face!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"YES!" Melody yelled, realizing after how loud she was.

Alana pointed her Canon Analysis Device (CAD) at Arwen, almost afraid of what she was going to see. Predictably, it let out a shrill wail, and she quickly stifled it.

_Arwen Evenstar. Elf Female. Canon. Out of Character 73.45_

Somebody tapped her on the shoulder, and she jumped nearly a half a foot into the air. "I brought dinner," said Sarah cheerfully, her grin looking very odd on her rather moldy goblin face. She handed a take-out container to Alana. "What'd I miss?" Alana handed Sarah her notebook.

"Go ahead and copy." Dutifully doing so, she searched the reading that she had missed.

"Can we please go eat and skip her stupid conversation with Lego?" begged Sarah.

"No," said Alana curtly. "It looks like he'll be dreadfully OOC, we have to be there." Grudgingly, the more novice agent followed her partner slowly.

**_"Well, if it isn't our little guest from Kanida!"_ **

_They turned to find Legolas leaning against tree, looking quite amused with himself. _

"I hope you slept well, you took a nasty fall the other day, I didn't know that I could make such an impression on someone." He said with a smirk on his face. Melody could feel her ears burning.

"Just because he's a Prince doesn't mean he's some kind of jerk. He's an _elf _for Eru's sake."_  
**  
"For you're information, I didn't faint because you made an 'impression' on me, I fainted out of shock and confusion." **_

"I find that hard to believe," he replied, knowing he was getting to her.

He reminded her of her brother, thinking he was all that and such. Smiling, she knew exactly how to handle him.

"Okay, I admit it. I was so entranced by your beauty that I just couldn't contain myself..." she said very dramatically. Legolas, quite amused by this, started laughing.

Alana handed the CAD to Sarah, who pointed it at Legolas (wisely turning down the volume first).

_Legolas. Male Elf. Canon. Out of Character 87.99999999999_

"I feel so sorry for Legolas."** **

"Well, I have to admit, it happens."

'He's worse than Sean,' she thought. Then remembered something about him from the books.

"But now I'm pretty much turned-off by how much of a bratty prince you are."

He stopped laughing, 'that got him to shut up', he stared at her for awhile.

"What kind of an insult was that?" demanded Sarah furiously. 

**He turned and walked away.**

"Right, well nothing much happens for a while now… oh gods."

"What?" asked Alana, peering over her partner's shoulder.

"She _sings._"

"A voice to rival the elves I'm sure," muttered Alana. Sarah made a face. She had been doing voice competitions for years, but her vocal skills were nothing to brag about when one was in Imladris among the elves.

Grimacing, the agents decided to eat while they could, and then head to Mary-Sue's banquet that she was supposed to attend. Finding a spot far enough away from Melody, Alana opened the box, revealing its delicious looking contents; smoked venison and a few slices of bread as well as assorted vegetables. Sarah had opened her own, which contained cooked rabbit rather then venison.

"I didn't know which one you'd like," she said apologetically. "I'll eat either one."

Alana shrugged. "Well, rabbit's my personal favourite…" They switched boxes, and began methodically eating.

"Why do Sues always feel the need to be so damn perfect?" inquired Sarah through a mouthful of food.

"The authors are acting out their personal fantasies," said Alana wisely.

The agents reluctantly finished and headed towards the 'dining hall' as Melody called it, and Sarah tried not to curse her for hating dresses with no reason. Sarah was enormously fond of any Lord of the Rings or medieval dresses. They slipped into the Hall ahead of her, blissfully missing the ridiculous dialogue between the Mary-Sue and poor Legolas, and hid behind a table, out of the Sue's sight when she came in.

**_"Um...Arwen, who are they?" _**asked Melody, looking at Frodo and his friends.****

"Those are hobbits."

"Really?"

"Would I kid you?"

"They're so cute!"

Sarah twitched, and Alana looked at her oddly.

The meal ended finally, and the dreadfully OOC Legolas suggest that Melody share something.

_**"I don't think you'd want to hear me sing."**_

"He didn't say that you arrogant little berk," muttered Alana, shifting her weight so that she wasn't sitting on her foot.

The Sue began to sing in a rather nauseating voice, and naturally, the entire room was bewitched. "It could have been worse," muttered Alana, feeling a sudden surge of sympathy towards her partner. After all, she hadn't had any real field experience with Sues, and therefore couldn't be prepared for this. Indeed, she was looking rather thunderstruck. "She could be singing Avril Lavigne or something." Sarah nodded, acknowledging that it could have been worse. However, as a dedicated musician, she felt insulted. "See, unless they actually write that the voice sounds like the voice of an angel, or something ridiculous like that, it's just going to sound normal. Or bad for that matter, whenever a song from our world is played. But the poor canon characters won't know the difference," explained Alana in a hushed whisper.

Would this song never end? "Do you have a CD player?" asked Sarah in a begging tone. Alana obligingly brought it out, handing it to Sarah, who quickly put it on, uncaring of whatever was in there. To her great relief, it promptly began blaring Beethoven's Ninth, drowning out the awful sound of Melody, who couldn't carry a melody.

It finally ended, and Alana, who had stuffed her fingers in her ears, poked her. She gratefully pulled them off and handed them to Alana, only to notice…

"Oh _gods._"

"Elrond's _crying_!"

Alana, after making sure its volume was turned down, pointed the CAD at Elrond shakily. It gave a loud screech.

_Elrond Halfelven. Half-Elf Male. Canon. Out of Character 98.7664738_

And if it wasn't enough…

_**"I came over to say thank you for that beautiful song, m'lady. You're voice is more beautiful than any I've ever heard." Melody blushed again.**_

Sarah rose to her feet furiously, and Alana, recognising the symptoms of one whose lust object has been messed with, seized her arm and pulled her down.****

"Why thank you little one, but please, call me Melody." The hobbit smiled.

"Very well then, Melody. And you may call me Frodo."

"Frodo?"

"Yes. Is anything wrong?"

"Uh...no, nothing Frodo. I am just tired."

Alana glanced at her partner worriedly, and then looked ahead at the words.

"We better go to bed. She's off to the council of Elrond tomorrow."

"Surprise surprise," said Sarah bitterly.

"Oh come on, it wasn't _that_ bad. He just commented on her voice. It could have been worse. Now stop sulking and get out your sleeping bag."

"What if we spent the night in a spare bedroom?" asked Sarah hopefully. Alana had never thought of it before, it wasn't usually done. As far as she knew however, it wasn't against the rules.

"If we can find one that isn't occupied," she said reluctantly.

The Author's Note: If you liked it, please review. Reviews are good. If you didn't like it, review and tell me why. Flames will be laughed at, and constructive criticism taken into account. Chapter two will be up soon; the more reviews I get, the sooner it'll be up.

_**  
**_

_**  
**_


	2. Part 2

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found on my profile page.

"GeroffmeIwannasleep," grumbled Sarah, pulling the covers over her head. Alana, who was patiently poking her with a spork, looked far more awake then she had any right to be so early in the morning.

"Sue'll be waking up soon. Get up." Sarah only grunted. Shaking her head, Alana retrieved her water bottle, and without mercy, dumped the majority of the contents on Sarah's head.

Grumbling furiously, the pair were ready when Legolas came to retrieve Melody for no apparent reason (other then the painfully obvious intent of the author to set them up as a couple later on). Bored, they watched the two argue for a bit.

_**"Look, just hurry up and get ready. Everyone's waiting." **_

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Can you just hurry up and get ready!"

"I am ready." He looked her over, this was not very suitable clothing.

"Very well then." He turned around and walked away. Melody, watching him go, started after him.

"Y'know, maybe if you went such an &#$ to me in first place, things might be a bit diffierent," she said, finally catching up to him.

"What the hell? As far as I can see, _she's_ the one being a bitch," commented Sarah.

"What does diffierent mean?" muttered Alana bitterly. She hated these fics when the Sues acted like Legolas was a spoilt brat, when really _they _were the ones being idiots. ****

"I highly doubt that," he grumbled.

"Oh really?"

"Really."

"Prove it," Melody said, stopping in her tracks. Legolas stopped and looked at her.

"What? You can't prove that!"

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

"Exactly MY point, you can't prove that things might have been different." Legolas was about to say something, and then stopped. She DID have a point.

"No she doesn't," snarled Alana. "The little brat is making him _think _that. She's making about as much sense as the Queen of Hearts."

"Or a Mary-Sue," added Sarah helpfully. Alana only snorted in response, following Melody and Legolas. "What does 'cathc up', mean?" wondered Sarah aloud as Legolas did just that. It was rather painful to watch.

"I don't want to see the council," Alana said in a low voice as they took a hidden seat in the bushes. "The Sues always try to put in their useless opinions that nobody would care about if they didn't bewitch them with the Sue magic." Sarah rummaged in her pack, triumphantly pulling out some dried fruit and granola bars.

"Breakfast?" she offered. Alana accepted gratefully, while Sarah set about getting the best possible view of Frodo.

When **_the men of Gondor where going on about her as if she some whore_**, Alana took out her knife, furiously sharpening it. "Never mind that only _Boromir _is supposed to be at the council, and that men of Gondor are _noble_ and _honourable_, unlike you," she hissed under her breath. Sarah settled for shaking her head disbelievingly. Poor Boromir was obviously under the Mary-Sue's spell, and didn't want to be staring at Melody in the way she was forcing him to.

The council was wonderfully short, thanks to the godawful fic that they currently had the misfortune to be in, and lasted from Legolas's line… "**_The ring must be destroyed!_**" until the end. When Frodo volunteered to take the ring, Alana could practically feel her partner beaming next to her, and she looked at her quizzically.

"Frodo's so brave," explained Sarah, and Alana nodded knowingly.

"A Frodo fangirl?"

Sarah nodded, thinking back to when Alana had commented on Melody not messing with Faramir or Gimli. "You're a Faramir girl?" Alana nodded in affirmation.

"Although Gondor men in general are wonderful. Boromir's such a realistic person. And I've always had a sort of thing for Gimli." Sarah looked mildly surprised to hear words like that coming from Alana.

"Good to meet a Gimli fangirl," she commented.

"Sssssh, look at Elrond," said Alana, pointing at Lord Half-Elven. He was behaving very strangely… he was twitching slightly, and a rather tense look was on his face. "He's fighting it!" exclaimed Alana in a whisper.

"You go Elrond!"

He finally choked out **_"Lady Melody will also be joining you on your journey."_** Sarah heaved a sigh; it was too good to hope that he would overcome it.

_**"I don't think that is such a good idea," Boromir said, "It is too dangerous for a woman."**_

"Why do they always make Boromir out to be this woman-hating bastard?" demanded Sarah.

Alana shook her head, muttering, "I'll have her scalp soon," over and over.

"I can't take this anymore… let's leave," begged Sarah.

"It's almost over," said Alana grimly, taking out her CAD once more and pointing it at Boromir.

_Boromir. Human. Canon. Out of Character 93.8_

When Elrond announced that the departure of the Fellowship would be the following day, the agents shook their heads disbelievingly, although they were both thankful that the wretched business of the council was over.

"What happened to that month-long delay of planning the damn trip?" muttered Alana, adding a note to her list of charges.

"Sues have no concept of time," Sarah said, stating the obvious.

"Indeed they don't."

The pair followed Melody from a short distance behind. Suddenly, they saw (along with Mary-Sue), eight elves fighting 4 of the Nazgul. They both cheered wildly when one very wise Dark Rider seemed to see the Sue for what she was, and stabbed her. Of course, the Sue would take it as some stupid new addition to her plot, but anyone semi-bright (or not under the Mary-Sue's spell) could see that the Nazgul were simply not fooled by her.

When Melody woke up from her ridiculous swoon, her conversation was no less inane then everything else in the story, and the agents cringed as Elrond called her 'my dear' twice. But nothing could remotely resemble Sarah's rage when the hobbits came in, and Frodo _hugged _her. "He's met her _once_!" It was a mark of how upset she was when she began using multiple punctuation marks. "Why the hell would he hug her! He's not a little kid, just because of his size; she's possessed him with her Sue powers, he wouldn't hug her, he _wouldn't hug her_, that little b-" Alana clapped a hand over Sarah's mouth, as Melody looked over her shoulder oddly, and then shrugged.

Alana gave Sarah a warning look, and then removed her hand. Sliding down the wall, Sarah miserably wrapped her arms around her legs. Alana could see how her partner had had a mental breakdown- while she obviously wasn't the shrieking, drooling, fangirl type, she was plainly very protective. Feeling a sudden surge of sympathy, she dug in her pack, pulling out a bottle of bleeprin (which was now frequently distributed among PPC staff). Bleeprin, owing to it being a combination of brain bleach and aspirin, was most often used to cleanse an awful image from the mind. However, it often did just as well in such cases as these, and she offered the bottle to Sarah.

The two unwillingly watched Melody have a picnic with the hobbits, and have another useless, OOC (for the poor elf prince) argument with Legolas, both cracking up when she stated that **_patience is a virture_** three different times, and left with the vague feeling that the author thought that a _virtue_ was in fact, a _virture_.

"Got the remote activator?" asked Sarah. She loved Rivendell, but she wanted to get this mission over with. Alana nodded, and took it out of her pocket.

"I like to keep it handy," she explained. Fiddling with it, she finally opened a portal into the next day, and the two agents stepped grimly through it.

Melody was there _in the morning_ ("another one for the charge list, why don't any of these Sues seem to know that the Fellowship left at dusk," remarked Alana), being a bitch as usual. It was quickly getting very old.

_**She thought, as she noticed Boromir staring at her again. Usually, she was very cheerful in the morning, but she hated it when guys looked at her as if she were eye candy. Plus, she didn't like Boromir, she didn't like him in the book, and she didn't like him now. She got the wrong kind of vibe from him. **_

"Hey, Boromir. Earth to Bo, earth to Bo!" Boromir blinked, then looked at her again

"That little…" Alana muttered a furious stream of curses, varying from 'spawn of Ungoliant' to 'little non-existent bastard Mary-Sue'. Sarah settled for flicking a pebble at Melody, not being as attached to the men of Gondor as Alana was. It didn't mean that she didn't hold Boromir in the highest respect however. Sure, he had been attracted to the ring, but who wasn't? He was tempted by its power, but he had finally rejected it in the end, and died saving Merry and Pippin. Melody and her 'bad vibe' could go to hell.

Now that she thought about it, the ring _was _pretty. As a PPC agent, she wasn't technically supposed to be attracted to the ring's power but… it was pretty. And goldy coloured. "Shiny," she said aloud, catching sight of it under Frodo's shirt (never mind that she had been looking there for an entirely different reason). Alana, still furious, ignored her.

Suddenly, everything spun, and the Fellowship was walking ahead of them, an obvious distance from Rivendell. Sarah looked utterly confused. "What was that?"

"Plothole," said Alana with a roll of her eyes. Still looking mystified, Sarah shrugged, shouldering her pack and taking the lead, her eyes on a certain ring bearer.

When the Fellowship took a rest, Sarah and Alana were only too glad to. Setting their loads down where the Sue couldn't see them, they pulled out some food, and then crept up towards the Fellowship while Melody closed her eyes. Sarah was about to take a large bite into a Twinkie when Alana poked her once more with the spork. "What?" she demanded. Alana motioned towards Legolas and Sue, who were walking off.

"He's going to teach her to fight."

Melody truly proved herself the entirely typical Sue when she not only beat Legolas at fighting, but made him look like a fool as well. "You know, I just had an interesting thought on how to kill our Sue," said Sarah thoughtfully, wiping the processed cream off of her mouth. Alana looked revolted.

"If there was a nuclear war, the only things that would survive are Twinkies and cockroaches," she pointed out.

"That's a myth," scoffed Sarah.

"Yeah? Well it's a proven fact that the wrappers are more digestible then the Twinkies themselves," challenged Alana. Sarah didn't particularly like Twinkies, but they tasted good after hours without food, and she wasn't about to admit it, just for the sake of being obstinate.

"Whatever."

"So, what's your idea?"

"I was thinking…" she said slowly, but Alana interrupted.

"She couldn't 'kick Legolas's ass', as she puts it! Does she have any idea how many years of dedication it takes to train to become a real warrior?"

"Forget her stupid delusions for a moment."

"It's rather hard when she's right there, acting like a bitch and calling Legolas that stupid fangirl pet name 'Leggy'"

The pair, both bickering, portalled to the point where she called Caradhas, 'Kharadras', creating a mini-balrog back at the Fanfiction Academy they were sure (this was added this to the charge list). "Looks like we're up the mountain," commented Alana.

"Can't we portal straight to Moria?" complained Sarah.

"After she treats Boromir like shit again we can," said Alana, reading ahead with a scowl on her face.

Sarah was amazingly thankful for the gear provided by the PPC; she never seized to be amazed by the coldness of the mountain. Of course, she was from California. Shivering, she looked at her more experienced partner out of the corner of her eye, and noted with pleasure that Alana looked even colder. After all, at least she had the advantage of body fat, whereas high and mighty Alana was as skinny as a skeleton, even in her goblin disguise.

Looking on as Frodo dropped the ring and Boromir picked it up, Melody's thoughts made them want to kill her. Which they thankfully would be able to do eventually.

_**Melody watched as Boromir held it, staring at, talking to himself. It made her stomach turn watching him, her fist clenching around her bow. **_

"Boromir," Aragorn said, bringing Boromir out of his trance.

"Give the ring to Frodo." Melody came up behind him with a cold stare on her face, Boromir looked at her, and then walked to Frodo and gave him the ring.

"Of course, I care not," he said with a chuckle, then mussing up Frodo's hair. He turned, and started back up the mountain, as did everyone else. Except for Aragorn, Melody and Frodo. Melody had noticed Aragorn had his hand on the hilt of his sword, watching Boromir's every move. He looked at Melody and nodded at her, she nodded in return. She then looked at Frodo and smiled, who gave her a weak smile in return. All three then continued up the mountain...

"Her stomach turn?" murmured Sarah in horror. "My god, I'd like to see _her _try to resist the power of the ring! It's no wedding ring. Although it could be," she added as an afterthought, watching Frodo's retreating back. Alana traced the outline of her axe, a faraway look on her face. Sarah didn't even want to try to guess what she was thinking.

"Um, can we portal out of here?" she asked tentatively, unsure of Alana's mood.

"Sure. We can go outside Moria a bit before they get there and visit the Watcher," suggested Alana. The Watcher was quite friendly with most PPC Agents, though none as much as the legendary (and now retired) Agent Jay. "Let's stop by Gondor first," said Alana.

"Why?"

"You'll see."

She handed the remote activator to Sarah. Looking rather pleased (and proud), she quickly opened a portal, and they stepped through.

The Author's Note: Thank you to my two reviewers. Review's fuel my writing, if you've read this; please take the time to review. Flames are welcome; I think my attraction to fire has been established.


	3. Part 3

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

"You're such a good Fro- I mean, Mary-Sue eating monster," crooned Alana, tossing a piece of raw meat (purchased in Gondor) to the Watcher. There was no better way to get on his good side then to feed him. Sarah relaxed against a rock, reading what they had missed.

"She created the mini-balrog Saurumon," she stated.

"Idiot." Alana was in an amazingly good mood. Moria (and outside of it) was one of her favourite places; Alana liked to spend time with the Watcher. The Mary-Sue never would never meet Faramir, she had more or less ignored Gimli and yet not been entirely bitchy to him, Alana was going to be able to kill (or see killed) Melody, and there would be a new scalp on her wall. Thus, her mood was uplifted.

Alas, it could not last long. The two agents heard the echoes of the Fellowship making their way towards the Watcher. Tossing him the last piece of meat, they rose, and quickly slipped behind some boulders.

Right on time, the Watcher grabbed Frodo, and Sarah and Alana took the opportunity to slip inside the door of Moria. Hiding where the Sue wouldn't be able to see them when she came in (although their disguises would certainly work for this setting), they sat down cross-legged.

"You reckon we've got enough charges?"

"We haven't even come to the biggest charges of all yet."

"Like…"

"Being Elrond's daughter, making poor Legolas fall in love with her…"

"Like we couldn't see _that _coming."

"I know. I suggest we portal to all the worst spots."

Sarah pulled out her notebook, ready to write down everything Alana said. "You know, this Sue's not _too_ bad is she?"

The corners of Alana's mouth twitched in a near smile. It wouldn't do to have the novice assassin think _that_. "Let's see… One brief spot in Khazad-dum." Sarah most certainly wouldn't like it, but it would banish any possible misgivings she might have. "Um, there's a dreadful Boromir character rupture directly outside of Moria, Lothlorien-"

"All of Lorien?" asked Sarah, looking aghast.

"Most of it. It's pretty terrible. Anyways…a brief part in the Breaking of the Fellowship- it's another 'let's make Boromir out to be this awful prat' moment, when Shadowfax shows up-"

"Let me guess, he completely takes to her?"

"And she creates a mini-balrog too. When she meets Eowyn, another mini-balrog… Oh, and the part where the wargs attack. There's a lot of other crap, especially Legolas lovey-dovey, but I reckon that'll be enough charges."

"Sounds good."

The Fellowship burst into the cave, and after they had passed, Alana grabbed the remote activator and portalled.

_**"A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world."**_

The Balrog was of course coming toward the Fellowship in all his glory, but Sarah's gaze fixated elsewhere. She drew one of her daggers, preparing to throw it.

_Frodo_ was holding Mary-Sue's hand.

Frodo _was_ holding Mary-Sue's hand.

Frodo was _holding_ Mary-Sue's hand.

Frodo was holding _Mary-Sue's_ hand.

**_  
_**Frodo was holding Mary-Sue's _hand_.

Alana seized Sarah's arm. "Not now," she hissed. Quickly opening another portal, she shoved Sarah through it. Sarah was muttering under her breath non-stop, but than stopped dead at the conversation that was happening in front of her.

_**She looked up to find Boromir hovering over top of her, eyes blazing. **_

"If you knew what was to happen, why?" With that, Melody got up.

"Boromir, it's not her fau-" Legolas began, but Boromir stopped him.

"No, it is her fault. She knows what is going to happen, does she not?" Melody nodded.

"Then why, why didn't you stop it?" This time he was yelling.

"You don't think I didn't try, I didn't want this to happen just as much as you did." She said, this time yelling at him.

"Now, get out of my way," she said, walking past him. He turned and grabbed her arm, his arm raised to hit her. Aragorn stepped in the way.

"Boromir, touch her again and you'll have to deal with me." Boromir just looked at him, unafraid. not loosening his grip on her arm. He then looked to find Legolas behind him.

"Let her go," he said firmly. Boromir then turned to Melody, and released her arm, and walked away.

Sarah was actually physically trembling with anger now; Alana was once more tracing her battleaxe, a dangerous glimmer in her eyes. "Let's go," she muttered.

The pair reached Lorien in time to hear Legolas say "**_Melody, get your ass moving or else!_**" Sarah cringed on his behalf; she had always had a soft spot in her heart for the poor elf, defenseless against the awful onslaught of the Sues. Alana swore under her breath, shaking her head disbelievingly. "They'll do anything, anything!" she was heard to mutter. Not heeding the irritated agent, Sarah began humming a little tune that sounded suspiciously like 'The Itsy Bitsy Spider'.

_The useless Mary-Sue, killed Haldir's character,_

_Down came my knife, and slit her nauseatinglybeautiful throat,_

_She made Boromir seem like a bastard,_

_And Frodo a 5 year old,_

_So I bashed out her brains, _

_And-_

"Shit!"

She winced, hopping up and down as she clutched her stubbed toe. "HolyIluvatarManweUlmoYavanna…"

"Cool it," muttered Alana, motioning at Melody, who was looking around suspiciously. Sarah angrily looked down at the offending rock, and then up at Mary-Sue, who was busy talking to a glazed-eyed Frodo, nodding helplessly in his trance (although a very different kind of helplessness than was described by the Sue's author).

"**_Why exactly is she so special?" _**asked Boromir, very reasonably.

"Special Ed," whispered Alana, and Sarah scowled.

"Dude, that's not cool."

"What?"

"I mean comparing her to mentally disabled people. Retarded people."

"I didn't say she was-"

"You implied it," said Sarah shortly. She was an easygoing, but when it came to mentally handicapped people, she fiercely defended them, even when the word 'retarded' was used casually as slang.

**_"Oh, go stick you're head in blender."_** Alana's face contorted with rage, and Sarah actually thought for a moment that the Man-of-Gondor fancier would actually throw herself at Melody while wielding her prized axe. "You ok?" she asked. Alana nodded.

"Of course."

Full of boredom, they followed the Sue and Galadriel. It was all highly typical; Galadriel told Melody that **_being half-human, his _**(Elrond's)**_ lustfullness then took over his morals._** "Does the author know anything about half-elves?" asked Sarah curiously.

"Probably not." Naturally, the Sue turned out to be an elf, which was obviously so that she could live forever with her precious Legolas 'Greenleaf'.

_**"So I'm an elf?" Galadriel nodded. **_

"Yes Linde, you are."

"Linde," Melody repeated softly, trying to take all of this in.

"And so Elrond is my father?" Galadriel nodded again.

"You're a fast learner child," she said smiling, making Melody smile as well.

"That sure takes fast learning, hearing an entire story about how one's father is Elrond, and gleaning from it that Elrond is one's father. We've got a winner!" remarked Alana.

"One to rival Einstein," said Sarah in agreement, taking a bite out of a granola bar.

The world seemed to spin, and when everything was steady once more, Melody (or Linde, or whatever) was walking toward the Fellowship, with newly pointy ears. "I hate plotholes," complained Sarah, clutching her stomach. She could take rollercoasters very well, but anything that spun (namely Merry-Go-Rounds and spinny chairs) caused her to become nauseous after only a few turns. "Why does she suddenly have pointy ears anyways?"

"It's a bloody gaping plothole. Maybe they sprang out of her head," suggested Alana, "These Sues always seem to think of the pointy ears as the defining characteristics of elves."

_**She then turned to Sam and hugged him as well, pulling his hair out of his eyes.**_

The agents both flinched. The pulling looked highly painful. Sarah, who practically worshipped the ground that Sam walked on (in a strictly non-lust object sense), scowled fiercely. They then listened to the awful, unrealistic, Mary-Sueish explanation of Melody, or as she must be called now, Linde.

_**"So, by unstoppable, do you mean she can fight anyone and win?" Merry asked.**_

When Aragorn nodded, the pair groaned loudly. Too loudly. Linde looked around. "Did you hear anything?" she asked the company. The Fellowship look puzzled, and shook their heads. Linde shrugged it off, and returned to the dreadful conversation of her sickening abilities.

Reading ahead, Sarah looked as if she were going to cry. She often looked like that when she really wasn't. "Frodo asks her to sing," she said flatly. Alana patted her awkwardly on the arm. Unlike Sarah, she wasn't very touchy-feely.

"We don't have to see it. We'll skip to her show-off opportunity." She handed the remote activator to Sarah, who hesitated for a moment, and then pressed the buttons.

Finding themselves concealed behind a large tree, not far off from the Mary-Sue, Sarah flopped down on the grass, yawning. Alana did likewise, sitting cross-legged and taking out some beef jerky. Sarah scanned the report further. "There's a sequel to this garbage," she said, sounding surprised. "Do we have to go kill her there too?" Alana shook her head.

"Once she's dead, she'll always be dead."

"That's a hopeful thought."

"Well, I'm off," announced Alana, rising to her feet.

"What?" asked Sarah, confused. Alana nodded her head at Melody speaking with Galadriel through the trees.

"Got to take a walk. Clear my head. You keep an eye on this lot." Still looking startled at this sudden decision, Sarah shrugged.

"Okay…"

Alana walked out of sight, leaving Sarah quite alone to watch the dismal exhibition of Melody's Sueness, as well as more brutal slaughter of the elvish language. "Sut naa lle sina re…" muttered Sarah fiercely under her breath. "What kind of elvish is that? Sut? Sounds like the battle-cry of naked mole rats. Except that's not fair to the mole rats."

Melody very predictably kicked the poor, ill-fated asses of Aragorn, Legolas, and Haldir, leaving Sarah quietly swearing to herself as she scribbled in her notebook. **_Melody looked around at the five around her and smiled slightly at her small victory_**, leaving Sarah to wonder if Melody could count, seeing as there were only four besides the Mary-Sue herself.

Sarah turned away. She had seen all she needed to. Running her hand through her hair anxiously, she suddenly realised that Alana had left… with the remote activator. Oh honestly. At least this gave her a chance to wander a bit through Lothlorien. Despite the presence of a Sue, the forest was still wonderfully relaxing, and Sarah made her way to a stream and pulled off her shoes, dipping her feet in the cool water. This was why she liked to be a hobbit… shoes sucked.

Humming quietly to herself, she attempted to skip a stone on the water. It was a quiet, peaceful afternoon. Peaceful that is, except for… "Ready to go?" asked Alana in a falsely cheery voice. Sarah glared up.

"No, I'm not," she said sourly. Seizing a rock, she tossed it into the water, and then rose to her feet, yawning. "Where to?"

Alana glanced down. "It's a couple of days before they leave."

"Wait, how long have they been here?"

"Don't know. Plot holes muddle things." Alana nudged a rock near her foot. "So, we can portal to when they leave Lorien."

"I look forward to it."

* * *

"But fish _can _be poisonous!" The assassins had been discussing what on earth the random vial that seemed to glow **_a deep reddish purple_** was. The conversation had obviously strayed from the point.

"Yes, but more then likely, if they're fresh, they aren't," explained Alana patiently.

"That's ridiculous… most deep sea fish are poisonous."

"I wasn't talking about deep sea fish," said Alana, with a long-suffering sigh.

"Yo, dude, whatever." It was dark, and the fellowship was not too far away sleeping. Sarah and Alana suppressed sniggers as Legolas told Mary Sue to get some sleep and she closed her eyes.

"Sort of destroys the credibility of her story about being an elf doesn't it?" asked Sarah, taking out an eggroll. "Hungry?" Alana nodded, accepting the bland food.

"That it does," she agreed.

The agents agreed on one point; they would both go insane if they had to watch any more of this. When it came to the breaking of the Fellowship, Sarah point blank refused to watch Melody's last words to Boromir (**_"You tried to...I can't believe it! You greedy little pig. How could you? Oh, I'm gonna protect the ringbear, get the ring to Mount Doom. But you tried to take it, and you tried to kill him!"_**), and had a shrewd notion that Alana ought not to be left alone during this moment. Alana was a very self-controlled person, but even she had her limits.

Which would explain their decision to simply jump to the period where the wargs attacked. It was time to be finishing up this mission, and it seemed an ideal point to kill her. What they hadn't yet discussed however, was how. "If she's indestructible, how are we supposed to do it?" The two agents were sitting cross-legged, slightly before the men of Rohan and the wargs clashed.

Alana looked thoughtful. Sarah was in a temper, but owing to Upstairs' uncanny ability to pair those of absolutely opposing personality, Alana was rather calm. "We could feed her alive to… something. Except that she might stay alive in their stomach, and that would suck for the poor creature."

Sarah bit her lip. "We could cut off her head," she suggested.

"It might re-attach to her body."

"Not if we dropped it in Mount Doom."

They made their plans, and then watched as Melody whined that the goblin attack wasn't supposed to happen. Suddenly, as the men and the goblins rushed at each other, they noticed that one of the wargs charging Melody was…changing colours. From normal brown to electric green and back to brown again. It wasn't even written in the i Sue's /i story.

"What…" Sarah and Alana stared for a moment, and then Alana suddenly realised what they ought to be doing.

"Come on!" They rushed forward, dodging weapons. Too late they remembered that Melody, unlike themselves, couldn't lose a fight.

"Oh damn…" Just as Melody was about to stab Alana (disguised as a goblin obviously, therefore fitting in perfectly), the odd warg pounced, knocking Melody down (and causing the assassins to dodge the heavy chain swinging from its collar). Alana quickly opened a portal, shoving the Mary Sue through.

Sarah picked herself up off the ground, looking around. They were in the dry wasteland just outside of Mordor. Perfect. Melody looked stunned, but picked herself up off the ground. The warg (who had apparently followed them) jumped on her, calmly sitting on her legs (and probably nearly crushing them). Alana looked delighted. Rummaging in her pack, she retrieved the bag of beef jerky. Seizing a handful, she held it out to the warg, who devoured it greedily, and then licked her hand. Sarah held out a hand to the warg's snout, and the warg growled. Sarah retreated hastily.

"State the charges," said Alana briefly, scratching the warg's neck.

"Right…" said Sarah nervously. Taking her notebook out of her pocket, she cleared her throat.

"Melody- er, Linde, or whatever you want to be called… You are hereby charged with not making sense, causing the character ruptures of Arwen, Frodo, Elrond (namely him crying), Legolas, Boromir, and virtually any character you come in contact with, having Celtic carvings in Middle Earth, mangling the elvish language, not liking dresses, making lame insults that nonetheless cause canon characters to be speechless, having a beautiful voice and singing songs from our world in Arda, joining the Fellowship, messing up the entire schedule of the Fellowship, being injured in order to have Legolas rescue you, making Elrond lie, having a stupid birthmark, having Frodo _hug_ you and hold your hand-" Here Sarah narrowed her eyes, glaring at the Mary-Sue on the ground – "Annoying both agents, being disrespectful to Boromir, mangling his character so much that he's almost not recognisable, not being affected by the ring, being able to beat anybody at fighting, portraying the journey from Rivendell to Caradhas as 'a few days', creating several mini-balrogs, causing plotholes, getting some stupid jewel thingy from Galadriel, and being a GODDAMNANNOYINGCURSEDCLICHE MARY SUE!"

"Any last words?" questioned Alana, feeding the warg the last of the jerky.

"The fellowship needs me!" exclaimed Melody, trying to stand up.

Sarah grabbed Alana's battle-axe (which was more convenient for this sort of thing), and severed Melody's head from her body. Alana knelt down, drawing her knife, and neatly scalped the head, handing the remote activator to Sarah, who opened a portal directly above Mount Doom. Alana grabbed the remains of the head and threw it into the fire, and then nudged the warg, who obligingly stood up. The assassins seized the body and disposed of it.

"What are we going to do about the warg?" asked Sarah, looking at the great creature (who had stopped flashing green now that the Mary Sue was gone. It was nuzzling Alana happily, although it still growled whenever Sarah got too close to it.

"Keep it of course." Alana had been around at the PPC long enough that she usually got her way with Upstairs (except when it came to getting a raise), and she was already attached to the furry beast.

A portal was once more opened, and the two agents walked through. Sarah collapsed on her bed, yawning. "Not so fast." Alana held up the bloody scalp. "_You _are going to take this to Makes-Things' lab to dry out while I see about her." She motioned to the warg, who had contentedly lay down on the bearskin rug in the entrance way.

"How d'you know it's a she?" Alana pointed. "Oh."

The Author's Note: This was _long_. Not much else to say about it; it's just long. The warg that was flashing neon green thing actually happened in a dream of mine about a week before writing this. Naturally, I took it as a sign. Please review. Flames will be used in various creative ways, particularly for Alana's cooking. This fic is completed; another will be up soon (soon probably being several weeks).


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